Don’t let the stereotypes define you
Being a woman or being socialized as a girl often comes with a lot of baggage that dictates how we maneuver through the world. Expectations of politeness and quietness keep many girls from behaving in ways that make learning disabilities evident. As a result, many women do not get diagnosed with autism or ADHD at an appropriately young age.
The pervasive stereotypes describing girls as attentive, subdued, and proper also act as prescriptions for their interaction with learning disabilities, such as autism and ADHD. A girl might have to fight harder than their peers to concentrate on topics or control reactions to overstimulation, but that does not mean that they do not struggle internally from not receiving the help that comes with a diagnosis.
Of course, the lack of girls with a proper diagnosis means that many adult women, or adults raised with a feminine presentation, don’t know why they have so much trouble with certain things that other adults can do more efficiently.
Many autistic women struggle to interpret the intended meanings behind conversations, often missing subtext in preference for interpreting language more literally. Likewise, many with ADHD feel shame when they have trouble focusing on a conversation or can’t finish a project.
The first step to becoming more comfortable with a learning disability is attaining a diagnosis. This simple process is more difficult for girls than and femme-aligned children than for others.
“Do I have a learning disability?”
The first thing that you can do to get on track for a diagnosis is to turn to your general practitioner. Your doctor will be able to rule out physiological causes for the symptoms that you are experiencing. For instance, feelings of depersonalization or extreme stress might be the product of an endocrinological issue rather than the long-term symptoms of autism or ADHD.
After that, your doctor can refer you to the proper specialist. Remember to be open and honest with all doctors you speak to. If they try to give you a label without explaining why the label fits, ask follow-up questions. You need to be a proactive agent in the diagnostic process: as adults, we aren’t observed regularly as we were as children.
After a diagnosis
After getting a diagnosis, the best thing you can do for yourself is to talk to your friends and family about your new insights. This is a great way to help talk out some of the memories that might not have been addressed since your diagnosis, but it also has the pragmatic purpose of telling people what your comfort level is.
Many people internalize shame and anxiety due to years of feeling inadequate or incapable. It might be challenging to explain to a friend group why you have difficulty hanging out for more than a few hours without being able to explain. But being able to say that you have ADHD and therefore need different kinds of mental stimulation, they might understand why you need to duck out of a hang sesh early.
But the benefits of opening up about your diagnosis do not have to stop with friends and family. Being open with your boss and co-workers is an excellent step toward making your workplace more comfortable.
It may be difficult to approach others about the issue without practice. Learning how to talk to people about your diagnosis can help streamline the process and make it less emotionally taxing.
Here are a few things to keep in mind after you have decided to talk to someone about your diagnosis:
Be very specific
There’s nothing worse than plucking up the courage to initiate a difficult conversation, only not to be understood. Learning disabilities, especially autism, have staggeringly broad spectrums: telling someone that you’re autistic could mean that you don’t like being touched; that you misunderstand subtext; that you are overly sensitive to light; that you lack sensitivity to sound; or any number of other symptoms or conglomeration of symptoms that may occur regularly or rarely.
The point is, just saying “I’m autistic” may not get across the information you are trying to convey. Indeed, this simple approach may leave room for an inaccurate, stereotypical projection on the part of the person that you are speaking with.
Get personal
As an extension of being specific, you can communicate more effectively by framing your emotions and perspective over giving a clinical overview of your diagnosis. Remember, you aren’t just talking about your diagnosis to spread awareness generally: you are also trying to guide people in your sphere toward a better way of relating to you.
Try framing your requests in ways that center your needs and make specific requests of the person you speak to. For instance, “because of my ADHD, I sometimes have trouble making decisions, so it would be beneficial if you could give me time to respond after giving me a choice.”
As a woman or a person with a feminine expression or presentation, it may be not easy to approach such conversations explicitly emotionally. After all, one reason this demographic does not get diagnosed early is stereotypes of feminine emotionality and subjectivity.
However, bear in mind that asking someone to treat you in a way that you are comfortable with is the furthest thing from being overly emotional that you can be. By calmly explaining what you need to operate at your best, you are facilitating more constructive and honest relationships. This eliminates the chances of emotional outbursts (from all parties) and cuts past the impulse to beat around the bush regarding personal issues.
Get practice
Once your close friends and family are on board, you can move on to relationships that might be more difficult.
You may choose not to tell your professors, distant relatives, or employers about your diagnosis. But should you decide to do so, getting in practice with friends and family can be a great way to organize the points you want to make and get comfortable with speaking about it.
I know the idea of practicing conversations evokes the cringiness of mock interviews in high school and the like. But the good news is that practice does not need to be as formal as all that.
Practice can be a simple thing: the next time you and your friend are out to lunch, ask if you could get some feedback on what you have planned to say.
What can we do to ensure everyone gets diagnosed on time
Once you’ve gotten yourself situated with your diagnosis, you may wish to turn your attention to the broader problem of girls not receiving a timely diagnosis.
Paying attention to the unique way that girls express symptoms of autism and ADHD can help you identify when the kids in your life are struggling with an undiagnosed learning disability. This is especially important if you decide to become a parent.
Even as a parent with autism or ADHD, you don’t have to rely on your own experience to determine if your child has autism. Since any learning disability can manifest in myriad ways, and also because girls’ idiosyncratic symptoms are often overlooked, it’s important to seek out help when you think your child might need a diagnosis.
There are a lot of professional behavior analysis centers that can help you with your kids.
NESS Behavior Consulting provides 1:1 group parent training, training services to fulfill family court or court order training, and our signature ABA Therapy Behavior Consulting services.
If you want to figure out if NESS is right for you, get in touch for a free 30 consultation!
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